Ambitions-Less

Hello, world! It’s been two weeks since I started living ambitions-less life. And I could tell it is going damn good.

I’m waking up at 7.07 every day. I make a coffee and a small breakfast like sausages or eggs or sandwich. Then get my **s to the table where I eat that breakfast and watch some stupid episodes (I prefer cartoons, like Bob’s Burgers [the favourite one], Family Guy, South Park) or some silly unbelievably unreal show like The Voice. I watch this crap cos it make me feel better. It’s funny and cheerful. Cartoons sometimes are too sarcastic. The topic is turned upside down and can be viewed in such a weird angle that it becomes extremely fully. Believe it or not, but I do see daily situations at work in the same way. They become extremely fully, so funny that I cannot help it. Only people wonder, what I can be laughing at when the situation is so bad. It’s damn funny, you just don’t see it, losers.

After I watched the dose of fun but nonsense I’m heading to work. I listen to the BBC Radio 1 breakfast show on the way because, again, it makes me feel good. It wakes me up and gives me the dose of positivity.

And then it all starts…

Busy dark cold office. I call it The Cave. I can write BOOKS about the HORROR OF OPEN-SPACE OFFICES. Please, let’s try Not to stop here. It’s just if no noise-cancelling earphones existed… if there were no music to listen to, I’d immediately die of distractive cloud of nonsense coming straight to my brain through the ears… But thanks God, I could rely on the greatest things the humans ever invented – Music and Earphones. Only those help.
And coffee.
And tea.
And a little bit of chocolate.

The work itself is a… weirdness. As I’m surrounded by the individuals who doesn’t bother themselves to see… when they are going. They just keep going. All they need to do is to do it yesterday somehow, whatever. It’s a different story again.

It’s surprising how clear I can see things now. It’s amusing to see that the brain actually can work on all those things.
Refreshing vacation helped, but what helped even more was a decision to sleep.

Yeah, now I can work. I’m not that dysfunctional as I thought in December. Surprisingly enough I can read a book during the lunch break and understand what I’m reading about. I can even realise this thing. I can be aware of the conversations going around me. I can even talk to people during the lunch break. And most importantly, I can be aware of all the things around me.
Sounds creepy. Like I’m coming back from err… coma.
It’s just that I sleep enough now.

I CAN BE AWARE OF THE THINGS AROUND ME. I CAN NOTICE THEM. I AM AWAKE
…and not a zombie anymore.

I’m still getting used to that feeling.

Also, I’m not in hurry. I will eat my lunch slowly and taste the food. What to run for? One work assignment will grow into the other. It is inevitable. And it is, at the end, the nature of work – to work constantly. Surprise-surprise!

After the work day is over, I go home. I notice the sunset on my way and will take a couple of pictures. I drive. The jams are not driving me crazy as I’m listing to the audio book on the way. It is dead interesting knowledgeable so I’m not loosing the time at all. Again, surprise-surprise, I’m not falling asleep and I have the energy to switch the contexts from work to the book and driving.

I make some simple (!but cooked) meal and leave the half of it for the next day lunch. I feed myself while eating some nonsense episodes or a TV-show. This is a reboot again.
And then my **s drags me into the couch to write this or read a book.

I don’t care what I need to do to move on.

I don’t care what goals I have.
I do not have any, in fact.
My New Year’s Resolution is EAT, READ, ROLL, SLEEP.

After all those books I read about productivity… words ‘productivity’, ‘time-management’, ‘effectiveness’ and ‘GOALS’ make me sick.

The book I am reading is just great. It’s Pasternak’s Doctor Zhivago. And I cannot imagine the better time of reading it.
It found me when it needed to.

However, I feel like…
I need to go to sleep soon.

Please, let me drink a nice cup of tea and publish this post.
Then I’ll read and go to my comfy bead.

Oh, that life without ambitions! How sweet your nonsense is!

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